Approaching unwanted change in life from the driver’s seat
How do we learn to relate to a world in which loss is a constant companion? How do we care for ourselves when we’re focusing on our own survival, and in fear of the death of our country?
I’ve just completed a certificate program as a Death Doula from the University of Vermont, and have been deeply sensitized to loss. It’s clear to me that we’re living in a time of great loss, and applying my learning on a larger scale is a good fit for me at least. In the last few months, for many people, waking up in America has felt like a death sentence, almost every day. The eradication of the U.S. federal agencies (lately the Institute for Peace), removing Maya Angelou’s books from the Armed Forces Library, scrubbing all mention of LGBTQ+ people and issues from federal documents and agencies, and other similar actions too numerous to mention.
For those of us plugged into the daily actions of what we experience as the dismantling of our democracy, every headline, interview, and news story feels like a new death, death by 1000 cuts. Then there are my friends and family who have lost their jobs and contracts. They’ve lost funding for their projects and passions; some have lost their homes. Some have lost their jobs AND a parent!
Ironically, as upsetting as these losses are, embracing them as a death, and making a conscious effort to end them on your own terms can support you in moving on in a healthier way. First, letting ourselves fully grieve, feeling everything; not burying, hiding or pretending that it isn’t there; not making yourself wrong about it. Resistance can entrench us in our grief. Fully turn towards the loss. If we don’t, it’s difficult to find the energy to re-create ourselves.
Grieving is a necessary part of accepting death and loss as a part of life. Part of the grieving process can be to bring some kind of ritual to your losses. The gift of ritual is to really appreciate and acknowledge your relationship and the contribution you have made to (your job, your partner, your parent, etc.). This is why we have funerals and celebrations of life.
A ritual for a job loss could include: writing a eulogy for it, inviting people in your life to a job memorial, or trying to answer these questions: What are the gifts that you received from your job? How did you grow, and what aspects of your personality did you grow out of in this job? What are you most grateful for in that position?
RESISTANCE CAN ENTRENCH US IN OUR GRIEF
Once that is complete, you can turn fully towards what is next. Be prepared to sit in the quiet that gets created when the emotion has been given voice, in the liminal space that is between what has come to a close and what is yet to arrive. This space can be a very rich and creative time, as uncomfortable as it is. Especially if we feel like we’re in survival and afraid for the future. Even if those feelings exist, try to allow yourself to relax into the unknown even while you’re searching for a job.
For the time when you’re not searching, pay extra attention to your breathing; relax, walk, be in nature; stop reading the news, and find ways to invite in your inner guidance and intuition. Allow yourself to listen deeply to what is arising in you. Are there interests and passions that have simmered for years, pushed to the back of the mind because of your busyness? Are you getting nudges towards interests that are surprising? This rich period is worth bringing your full consciousness and awareness to.
Trust in the Universal Path that we will have what we need, and be open to guidance that couldn’t have come through at an earlier time, because you weren’t ready. All the while doing what you need to do to care for yourself and those who are dependent on you.
If you have experienced any of this at this time, I am truly sorry for your loss, for the death of a career, a dream, a retirement plan. As hard as it is, try to find the gifts, grieve the loss, and move on. You are seen and supported. Always reach out for a listening ear, even if we don’t know each other. I see you.
For those of you in this situation, if you’re someone who identifies as a woman over 50, I’m offering a workshop at cost to support you in both standing in your grief and in creating a possibility for your future, June 6-8 in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia. If you feel called, click the button below and see what we have to offer.
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